My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.
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Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?
The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
Grandpa: Music today is terrible
Me: Here, try this *hands him iPod*
Grandpa: Fine *slides iPod into tape deck*
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.
Lmao
Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.
Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
me: but “greetings” is a greeting
jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-
me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?
My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.
Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.
Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.
Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”Me:
“Total disappointments.”Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”
My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.
“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour
Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.
Candles never taste the way they smell