My wife told me she “likes it rough.”
So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.
-how guys understand women
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First day of gondolier training:
You mean I have to stand…STAND on the tip of this boat ALL day rowing with one oar?
Singing. You have to sing.
Sing?! How could this job be any worse?
Wait, let me get your costume.
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’
Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
For April Fool’s Day, Pizza Hut Taiwan has rolled out a “flavorless” pizza, which is just a giant hole with nothing inside
*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*
why isn’t this lamp working
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
Was very hungry when I made a wish to the genie I found in a lamp and I had a Freudian slip and now I’m a chicken magnet
[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at middaychicken: gotcha
Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.
Her: My God…yours is huge!
Me: It’s the biggest gift card Sizzler sells, baby.
*slow wink*
“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too
2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”
Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.
First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.