Just threw a donut inside Planet Fitness and started a riot.
My wife told me she “likes it rough.”
So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.
-how guys understand women
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15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?
Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*
Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!?
*dad makes throat slice gesture*
“No one, Mom. No one”
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
Your word is ‘golfed’
“May I have it in a sentence please?”
Sure. He golfed with a tee.
Yes I’ll watch your kid,but if you don’t pick her up on time, I’m telling her there’s no Santa Claus.
Babies cry so that we can remember where we left them.
[on 1st date]
Me: Have you ever flown to Paris on a private jet before?
Her: No, I’d love to
Me: *shows photo of cat* this is Tim
son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”