My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.
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me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*
I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day
I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time
We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered
You better watch out
BBC:when a women is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal
That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman
lost dog
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”
Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
Leaving hotel: please if possible try not to trash the room like a 70s rock band. But no worries if you do
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes.
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out
[interview at bank]
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber
Interviewer: what
Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?
Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.
So apparently if your iPhone tries to electrocute you, Apple support doesn’t know what to do except say “oh that’s a problem” and pass you up the support chain until you reach the person who feels comfortable putting you on hold for a year. It’s fine. I have all night. 🤯
I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.
remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister
If I text you and you immediately call me, that’s entrapment.
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.