@WilliamRodgers

My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!

What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???

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@lisaxy424

Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.

@MomofTeen

I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.

That.

@Smug_Lemur

Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.

@OldJakeOld

[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat

@maisondecris

[writers’ room for Silent Night]

MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?

JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild

MIKE:…….jesus christ jim

@Alvildalikely

*lights cigarette

Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.

@Darlainky

Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.

Middle age: Hold my beer.

Me: What?

@UncleDuke1969

*climbs into windowless van*

*puts on “Free Hugs” t-shirt*

*heads out to make new friends*

*fails*

*waits for lawyer in windowless room*

@jdforshort

Your smell is so intoxicating
Your skin so soft and warm
I can’t wait to eat you up

~Mosquitos

@

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