Skynet: Send a Terminator to 1984.
[5 minutes later]
Skynet: Okay, nothing changed. Send the way better liquid terminator to 1991.
My wife told me today that I’m as handsome as the day we met. I’m 87% certain this is actually an insult.
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Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon
If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
I wouldn’t say I never exercise. Occasionally, my nose runs.
My five year plan is a meteorite
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
I’m writing a screenplay where a shark attacks people at the beach but, like, emotionally.