@wildethingy

My wife told me today that I’m as handsome as the day we met. I’m 87% certain this is actually an insult.

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@huntergraybeal

Skynet: Send a Terminator to 1984.
[5 minutes later]
Skynet: Okay, nothing changed. Send the way better liquid terminator to 1991.

@TedOfficialPage

Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?

@tastefactory

“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon

@shopkins776

If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips

@MindyFurano

Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.

@markedly

Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?

@drhappyknuckles

I’m writing a screenplay where a shark attacks people at the beach but, like, emotionally.