My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
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Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people
People should be able to call in healthy: “Look, I’m not coming into the office today. I feel really good and I don’t want to waste it on being at work “
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.
The life cycle of an unsuccessful business:
1. Under construction
2. Grand opening!
3. Temporarily closed
4. Open under new management!
5. Temporarily closed
6. Permanently closed
7. Spirit Halloween
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see
Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you
[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.
I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”…
I couldn’t believe “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.
god forbid anyone in my family is kidnapped, the kidnapper will bark complicated instructions thru a tube sock on the phone and hang up, i’m on the other end saying huh i gotta do what now
DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?
VADER: On the dark side.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?
VADER: Star bucks.
me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
*sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
*starts typing*
NSA: dude, let it go
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.
Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot
I was working in the yard.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.
I hit it with a shovel.
I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead
the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing
GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment
ME: finally a program for me
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
[Italian restaurant]
LADY:
“Let’s start with the shrimp scampi, then the chateaubriand, and maybe, hmm…”TRAMP [checking wallet]:
“We’re gonna have spaghetti and meatballs. Is silverware extra? You know what… no silverware.”