My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
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The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.
Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*
Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missingYou’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus
My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?
Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.
“Sir, is this gluten free?”
The waiter nods happily
“Great,” I shout as I collect gluten in a giant vat, “I’m building a gluten fort!”
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.
Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.
“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”
“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*
Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*
I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
Is this you?
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
Because I’m on a health journey, I’m no longer looking for a sugar daddy, I’m now looking for a protein papa. Don’t make this weirder than I already have.
13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.
33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
[first date]
Him: What are you passionate about?
Me: *bats eyelashes* Taxidermy.
Him: Animals?
Me: Haha. Sure…
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
Life hack:
Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.
Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.