@Cheeseboy22

My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.

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@drhappyknuckles

Doctor: Ted, you’re dying,

Patient: My name’s not Ted.

Doctor (checking clipboard): Linda, you’re pregnant.

@P0tterhead_394

My music preferences range between something your grandma would listen to, to something that could potentially kill her.

@DadandBuried

My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.

It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.

@Brampersandon_

Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?

@YuckyTom

me: never meet your heroes

also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please

@blaha_Who

Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply

Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that

@skittle624

My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.

@GabbbarSingh

All good students of Astrology drop out midway after they learn enough to find out. 🙂

@KKAlThani

1)Buy a plastic phone 2)Walk next to a stranger 3)Whisper into phone “It’s done. He’s dead.” 4)Remove batteries & throw phone in a trash can

@jngraphs

*Tweets funniest tweet ever

*Dies laughing

*Over 6 billion die laughing

*Germany and Russia survive

*Coz nobody left to explain the joke