My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
You Might Also Like
Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]
Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]
Me on my deathbed: ANY day now
My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?
Kid: Mom, will you play with me?
Me: Sure.
Kid: Okay, pretend you’re dead.
Me: This was the role I was born to play. *lays down and remains motionless for hours*
An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.
Doc: So where’d you get your stage name?
Prince Charming: This is my real name
Doc: Right
Grumpy: Sounds legit *rolls eyes*
Prince Charming: You doubt me? I saved your beloved Snow White!
Doc: You made out with an unconscious lady
Prince Charming:
Grumpy: Charming indeed
when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.
And to their wives. And their local fire departments.
No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.
I feel a bit deprived…….
Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.
We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”
Flight attendant: Is anyone on board a doctor?
Me: No, I’m on board a plane haha
Man having a heart attack: ok I’m ready to die now
Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels
haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in
Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.
So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!
5yo: We should get her two gifts
Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.
5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T HC R E
O D
W
He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.
How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”
I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….
Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings
Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits