My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.

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Doctor: Ted, you’re dying,

Patient: My name’s not Ted.

Doctor (checking clipboard): Linda, you’re pregnant.


My music preferences range between something your grandma would listen to, to something that could potentially kill her.


My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.

It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.


Loan me a couple bucks?
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
Can I even pay with these?


me: never meet your heroes

also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please


Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply

Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that


My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.


All good students of Astrology drop out midway after they learn enough to find out. 🙂


1)Buy a plastic phone 2)Walk next to a stranger 3)Whisper into phone “It’s done. He’s dead.” 4)Remove batteries & throw phone in a trash can


*Tweets funniest tweet ever

*Dies laughing

*Over 6 billion die laughing

*Germany and Russia survive

*Coz nobody left to explain the joke