@Cheeseboy22

My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.

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@Kids_kubed

Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!

Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)

Hubs: Never mind

Me: Smart move

@SamanthaRae49

Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”

Me: “That’s kind of the point.”

@ADifGuy

I’m gonna stop you right there.

– traffic

@ElleOhHell

Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil

@montgomaryrock

Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.

@_Tempo11

I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.

@Staggfilms

You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier

@T_N_Crumpets

Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]