My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.
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You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?
Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?
My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
Me: I thought you were going to read.
10-year-old: I am.
Me: You’re watching a movie.
10: I got it from the library.
Checkmate.
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look
If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
Someone: describe your sex life in two words.
Me: my what?
Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.
mentally somewhere in italy
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
Mother’s Day is great b/c you get to wake up to your kids fighting over who gets to give you your card first instead of regular fighting.
Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you
the phone rings. it’s you. it’s always you. i’ve run out of things to say…out of ways to tell you to stop calling. i can’t do this anymore. yet…i answer, knowing you’ll just say the same thing you always say, “i’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants
I like to take long walks away from stupid people.
Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles
Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles
Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
Flowers bee like
What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.