My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.
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Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.
Trump’s gonna be sooo mad when he finds out that China realized building a Great Wall didn’t keep foreigners out 400 years before he did.
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
I stepped in a tiny pothole full of water that went up to me knee in front of two really cute construction workers and then waved and said thank you. Why am I like this
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
The future is now.
My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.
I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton
Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.
BUZZFEED: Is Internet Clickbait Dumbing Down Society?
Lick your fingers & stick them in a power socket to learn the shocking answer.
Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.
I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.
Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD
If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?
Dear diary,
Day 1 (8 AM)
For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.
Day 1 (10 AM)
I’ve run out of food.
I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
Why is vanilla a synonym for boring? Vanilla is delicious. Imagine a world without vanilla. It would be so oregano.