My wife tried calling the cable company and they put her on hold for 58 seconds…
58 seconds…
58 whole seconds…
Then she hung up, because she said “it felt like forever.”
…where was that attitude on our wedding night???
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Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion
Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”
In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.
Baker: Is there a problem?
Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!
You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.
It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.
Ma’am, it’s moving.
I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
the three best gummy flavors, together at last
Cannot stop laughing at this
the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO
Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people
Please follow the instructions
1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass5) Only do number one
Hey waiters-I don’t ever ‘save room for dessert’, I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don’t have an accident.
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.
Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?
I put the “pro” in inappropriate
T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
Why am I like this?
*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.
H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!