@WilliamRodgers

My wife tried calling the cable company and they put her on hold for 58 seconds…

58 seconds…

58 whole seconds…

Then she hung up, because she said “it felt like forever.”

…where was that attitude on our wedding night???

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@ficklenuts

Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.

Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.

Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.

@GingerHotDish

[Me at the gym]

Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?

@Phaesphoria

I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!

@alrightbob

“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.

@CoryBooker

“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!

@Brianhopecomedy

I checked my phone while I was mowing the lawn and now we don’t have a garden.

@SadPeruna

Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.

@foodfacenow

Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can

@rockymomax

[having sex]
Her: HARDER!
ME: Divide 110 into two parts so that one will be 150% of the other. What are the 2 numbers?
Her: 44&66 HARDER!