“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
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finally
Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.
Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back
Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]
When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces
OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow
The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.
Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.
ME: *slides envelope across the table
COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990
ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache
[courtroom]
me: [under my breath] ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ʲᵃⁱˡ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ
judge: pardon?
me: omg thank you
I think it’s crazy that we can accidentally make people, but we can’t accidentally make dinner. How nice would it be at the end of the day if we were like I wasn’t really trying to make dinner, but uh… it’s made.
Instant pancake mix box: just add water
Me: sounds easy
Oh no, too thick [adds more water]
Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes
I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.
Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..
Star Trek almost inventing the cellphone
ST Writer: Why would he give up his communicator when he was back on the ship? Why wouldn’t he keep it all the time so he could talk to anyone from anywhere at any time?
ST Head Writer: That’s just stupid.
*Throws Pizza party
*B.Y.O.Pizza
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me aside* this was literally the first thing we talked about