My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.
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You gotta know when to tweet em
Know when to delete em
Know when to follow someone
Know when to run
wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.
Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing
Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.
Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄
Half way through the movie, I brought some popcorn downstairs for the kids & realized I rented the wrong Black Stallion DVD.
Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air
*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go
I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”
♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
My favorite thing about Twitter is that you can broadcast your opinion about anything, defend your opinion in an argument, and always run the risk of the person arguing with you being the one who literally created the thing you’re arguing about.
STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S
Rachel is KIND
Monica is NURTURING
Joey is CONSIDERATE
Phoebe is TALENTED
Ross
Chandler is FUNNY
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
Pro tip:
Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.
She’s still telling me.
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
Him: so you like bad boys?
Me: of course not
Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-
Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do
me: wow that exam was easy
*gets a 53*
In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.
[first day as a mover]
boss: ok the items in these boxes are super fragile, treat them like your own kids.
me: got it boss *walks over to boxes* LISTEN HERE IF YOU DON’T CUT THIS SHIT OUT YOU AREN’T GOING TO NANA’S
SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt
SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.
SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?
SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches
At the disco last night.
They played twist. I did the twist.
They played jump. I jumped.
They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
7: “By the year 2057 the oceans will be nothing but trash.”
Me: “Wow, I had no idea. Pretty smart, bud.”
Wife: “You know so many important facts, sweetie.”
*silence*
*3 looks at each of us*3: “Did you know there’s also pink lemonade?”
DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight
ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down
DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off