My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash
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Hey kid.. don’t let your mom tell you that you need to wait an hour after eating to go swimming. I used to eat Philly cheesesteaks IN the pool. Everything is fine.
Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?
Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
daughter: do I have to brush?
me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?
daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.
Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.
I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.
When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids
If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
I don’t think that she is afraid of that tiny cockroach…
… I think she just need an excuse to stand on top of furniture & scream at me.
[date]
HER: I absolutely love Star Wars
ME: Oh me too
HER: What’s your favorite part?
ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.
Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE
until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons
I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”
My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.
[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.