SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
My wife used to get so fat that she had to go to the hospital; then a person would fall out of her. That doesn’t sound normal.
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I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake
Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”
Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.