@doublewenis

My wife used to get so fat that she had to go to the hospital; then a person would fall out of her. That doesn’t sound normal.

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@TheToddWilliams

SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?

GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks

@DanKCharnley

[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*

@Rica_Bee

[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury

@pixelatedboat

Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake

@junejuly12

Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.

Friend: Long time?

Me: Since lunchtime.

Friend: Until?

Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.

@Try2StopME

Girl1: Why are you so happy?

Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”

@AComicTragedy

Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.