My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
My wife wants me to make her scream in the bedroom.
The 32 lego pieces & 6 upturned plugs, I’ve strategically placed, should do the trick.
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Son: Will you please just try to act normal today?
Me: You’re going to have to be more specific.
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
DATE: This place is so fancy
ME: Ever have a guy splurge on you before?
DATE: Well, only when we didn’t have a condom
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
Hot girl: hi
Me: are you a cop?
In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.
Cashier: You total is to tell your kids that you love them
Me: Look lady if I loved them I wouldn’t be feeding them this crap
*leaves a “beautiful eyes” comment on all your leg selfies
I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.