That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.
My wife wants me to make her scream in the bedroom.
The 32 lego pieces & 6 upturned plugs, I’ve strategically placed, should do the trick.
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Me: I’m so tired I need to sleep.
Ambien: Here I’ll help… Hey don’t forget to take off your clothes and pretend that you’re snow!
Be the person your dog thinks you are
Not the person your cat knows you are
The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.
The nicotine patch is great. I get my addiction out of the hands of the evil tobacco industry and into the loving arms of big pharma.
why would old man skeletor wait until the 3rd period of the final game to introduce new uniforms to the team you’re a stupid old man
I can’t bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal?
Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.
Me: My computer broke
IT guy: What have you tried so far?
Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing
fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
On Wednesdays we do cardio!
*skips to the kitchen for another snack