doctor: you’re gonna need to take probiotics
me: oh i don’t think i can afford that
doctor: don’t worry, there are lower cost options
me: ah, yes. amateur biotics
My wife wants me to make her scream in the bedroom.
The 32 lego pieces & 6 upturned plugs, I’ve strategically placed, should do the trick.
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My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.
I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.
So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
My neighbour is on his front porch wearing a Halloween mask and oven mitts while trying to remove a wasps nest. This should be interesting.
My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…
“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”
Me (whispering): hello
I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.