@Shelts99

My wife wants me to make her scream in the bedroom.

The 32 lego pieces & 6 upturned plugs, I’ve strategically placed, should do the trick.

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@NYC_Blonde

That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.

@jergarl

Me: I’m so tired I need to sleep.

Ambien: Here I’ll help… Hey don’t forget to take off your clothes and pretend that you’re snow!

Me: K

@ozzyunc

Be the person your dog thinks you are
Not the person your cat knows you are

@WineMummy

The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.

@JElvisWeinstein

The nicotine patch is great. I get my addiction out of the hands of the evil tobacco industry and into the loving arms of big pharma.

@itsa_talia

why would old man skeletor wait until the 3rd period of the final game to introduce new uniforms to the team you’re a stupid old man

@CherBear162

I can’t bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal?

Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.

@XplodingUnicorn

Me: My computer broke

IT guy: What have you tried so far?

Me: Everything

IT guy:

Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing

@ghostkrogh

fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha