@Shelts99

My wife wants me to make her scream in the bedroom.

The 32 lego pieces & 6 upturned plugs, I’ve strategically placed, should do the trick.

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@NerishaLakha

My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.

@maddyalou

Son: Will you please just try to act normal today?

Me: You’re going to have to be more specific.

@E_lok44

No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.

@Sickayduh

DATE: This place is so fancy
ME: Ever have a guy splurge on you before?
DATE: Well, only when we didn’t have a condom

@sixfootcandy

Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.

@KMoFlo_official

In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.

@That_Damn_Duck

At McDonalds

Cashier: You total is to tell your kids that you love them

Me: Look lady if I loved them I wouldn’t be feeding them this crap

@LuckoftheDraw86

I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.