My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.

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Refused to mow my grass because I’m lazy and it got so high that my neighbor did it because he is trying to sell his house and needs the neighborhood to look good for potential buyers so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you ignore them


3 AM

BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?


restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then


Me – Doctor, I have depression.

Doctor – Are you on anything for it?

Me – Twitter.


911: whats the emergency?

?: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.


I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.


People: cheer up, things could be worse

Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how


Person: you only live once

Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day