My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
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Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
Refused to mow my grass because I’m lazy and it got so high that my neighbor did it because he is trying to sell his house and needs the neighborhood to look good for potential buyers so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you ignore them
BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
Me – Doctor, I have depression.
Doctor – Are you on anything for it?
Me – Twitter.
911: whats the emergency?
?: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
Person: you only live once
Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day