my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
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my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim “I must go to the sea!”
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?
Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first
why is college the only institution that keeps asking you for donations after you’ve already paid? if my dentist called every 6 months saying “donate $200 to be in the Elite Teeth Club” I would call the police
FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the name of the woods where robin hood hid out with his merry men?
BUBBA: sherwood forest
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the n
I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
My guy friend was like “I went out last night with a girl who is really flexible so you know what that means…” and it’s like, ‘oh yeah, it means your crew has finally found a grease man for the big heist’.
I want my daughters to work where they want to work, live how they want to live, and love who they want to love.
But more than that, I want them to CLOSE THE CABINET DOORS WHEN THEY ARE DONE GETTING A PLATE
What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
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.
.
.
.
.
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Ghoulash.And…
…am I doing this joke thing right?
There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
i get hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“what a dumbass”
“he might be dead”ben franklin gets hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“genius”
“let him create our entire political system”
“put him on money”
“sex symbol”
*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?
6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
security at the airport getting more straightforward
Took my 8 year old to the Grand Canyon and people asked why I didn’t bring my toddler.
If you know my toddler, and you’ve been to the Grand Canyon you will have your answer.
“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world
genie: ok [snaps fingers]
me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed
genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.
Turn off autocorrect?
Challinje aceptid.
[breathing]
“I could do this all day.”
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?