@Cain_Unable

My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x

You Might Also Like

@leifromloihi

[opens fortune cookie]

be careful what you wish for

[opens another]

this is your final warning

@tracietom

out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted

@dumbbeezie

Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute

@JohnLyonTweets

*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*

*glues old gears and cogs to chair*

*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*

@MomofTeen

Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!

@Bob_Janke

There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.

@LlamaInaTux

I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info

@OneTrickTofani

[the city, seeing a marching band]

DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?

ME: i’m 6