@KentWGraham

My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.

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@dafloydsta

[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*

@Mr_Kapowski

Me: What kind of cake for your birthday?

Wife: Just something with chocolate

[later, me in the kitchen melting chocolate over a crab cake]

@CarelWillemse

Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”

Me: “oh I see you”

Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”

Me: “yeah floor it”

@JeffMyspace

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall.
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
[Montage of Humpty picking apples, carving some pumpkins, jumping into piles of raked leaves]

@trojansauce

NIETZSCHE: god is dead! he remains dead! and we have killed him!
ME AS NIETZSCHE’S LAWYER: your honour we’re gonna need a recess

@uhhhhhoksure

I’m 32 never been married, no kids. Most people my age are married with kids. The older I get it is likely the man I marry will be a divorced dad. Satistically 80% of 2nd marriages with kids end in divorce. So what I’m saying is if you are looking for a 2nd ex wife hit me up.

@thatUPSdude

You do understand “Tan” and “Orange” are 2 very different colors right?

@tweetsaboutdog

me: [googling] lose weight

google: eat healthy and exercise

me: [googling again] lose weight NO salad NO running

@VerifiedJayy

Good friends are hard to find. Especially if they stabbed me in the back. In fact you won’t find them officer. Stop looking

@DanMentos

[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan