@squirrel74wkgn

My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.

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@Reverend_Scott

Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*

@jimmytorosian

[Writing Silence of the Lambs]

Anyone have an idea for the cannibal’s name?

Jim: Hannibal?

Anyone?

Jim: Hannibal

Anyone other than Jim?

@darinlovesbacon

Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty

@helenrclarkson

There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.

@DillDoes

*throws king crab into tank of normal crabs*
Go, lead them to freedom, this is your birthright

@Brentweets

I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him

@iRowlf

I like to think that when Homer Simpson suffers from erectile dysfunction, he chokes his wiener and yells “Why you little!!!!!”