@squirrel74wkgn: My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.
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@chimneyspotter: GOOD COP: Give us a name! PERP: Never! TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has- PERP: Okay I'll talk, please just stop!
@AristotlesNZ: Me: Are these your kids? Boss: "Yep" They're gorgeous! "Thanks" Step kids? "Nope" Adopted? "No.." .. ".." She's cheating on you.. "Get out"
@TheTweetOfGod: Only an idiot would stand outside in a hurricane just to go on camera and say that only an idiot would stand outside in a hurricane.
@dumbbeezie: Shopping with friend "Look, triangle-shaped tupperware for your leftover pizza!" Me: "What's leftover pizza?