You Might Also Like

@TweetPotato314

Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*

Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.

@karenphotog

I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.

@CamusOverEasy

If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.

@CakeThrottle

[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”

It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel

@KenJennings

There’s nothing more disturbing than the 1st time you hear someone you know using their “whooo’s a good dog” voice.

@Tmoney68

A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.

@jakefromstfarm3

If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.

@Gupton68

I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.

@theSolemnBard

ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup

WAITER: Yes

ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup

WAITER: Yes

ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world

WAITER: Yes

ME: My compliments to the chef

@pizzajaynow

People who only tweet inspirational stuff are the same people who reminded their school teacher about homework assignments.