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@psybermonkey

Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace

Me: *writing notes* international bees only

@AmishPornStar1

How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?

@ceejoyner

Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.

@daemonic3

Son?

“Yes dad?”

If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…

“Yes?”

Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf

@junejuly12

Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.

@nicfit75

Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.

@MatCro

ME: I’m off to that meeting

BOSS: Forget something?

M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]

B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you

@JaySuch

My son wanted to go to Disney, but I told him little boys who ruin marriages don’t go to Disney.

@SteveDutzy

*Makes joke on Twitter*

*5 Retweets*

*Makes same joke on Facebook*

*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*