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@QwertyJones3

ME: Ed is coming over

WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?

ED: Iran

ME: I’m not sure

@SamSykesSwears

“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journey

Punching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King

@FrenulumBreve

Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”

@MizzusT

Me: I’m gonna take a shower

Spider in my bathtub: nope

@heyitskellyy

a few weeks ago I faked an Irish accent at the bar & ended up meeting a guy from Ireland that night. since then I contemplated if he was faking it or not & I just found him on tinder and his bio says if he gets drunk enough he fakes an Irish accent. I’ve found my soulmate y’all!!

@wickedsuga

You sneeze more than 5 times in a row and I’m gonna start performing an exorcism.

@JennyJohnsonHi5

If you’re feeling down about yourself, it won’t help you to know that Honey Boo Boo makes more money than school teachers.

@iscoff

Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t