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Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*

Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.


I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.


If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.


[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”

It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel


There’s nothing more disturbing than the 1st time you hear someone you know using their “whooo’s a good dog” voice.


A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.


If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.


I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.


ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup


ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup


ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world


ME: My compliments to the chef


People who only tweet inspirational stuff are the same people who reminded their school teacher about homework assignments.