[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
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AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.
That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
😜
Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.
Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*
The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses
I only look at Wordle for the articles
Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.
Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.
Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”
the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.
Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.
*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…
You might be dating my wife.
Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
I got sunburned at the beach and now my husband won’t listen to anything I say because he doesn’t “take advice from tomatoes.”
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.