I’m gonna go my whole life without knowing my blood type I swear to god. like I’m gonna end up in an ambulance one day and the paramedic’s gonna ask me what my blood type is and my dumbass is gonna be like “idk lol red”
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My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky
Me: Why the fake mustache and hat?
Wife: Your text.
M: Huh?
W: It said you wanted to try some “Burt stuff”.
M: Um, Honey-
W: Call me Bandit.
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:
I don’t usually break into song. BUT…
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent
[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean
Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really
Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
Social Media and Real life
The walk from my house to the bar is 5 minutes.. The walk from the bar to my house is 35 minutes…
The difference is Staggering.
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks
Me: You have to do your homework.
My kid: OOOHHH! So you’re saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?
Me: Obviously yes.
ME: i trained this chicken to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: what’s a male deer
CHICKEN: buck
ME: how much is 200 pennies
CHICKEN: buck buck
HER: this sucks
ME: it gets better
CHICKEN: it gets way better, Karen
Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.
BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god
Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.