my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
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I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me
Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.
Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
Pro tip: if you want to get away with one word replies in work emails, just change the signature in your desktop email to ‘Sent from my phone’
My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.
I won, so we’re getting a Meth.
When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this
#CoronaOutbreak
My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Fam: Anytime.
ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins?
KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins!
ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.
Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?
Me: sure what time?
Them: 8:30
Me: *laughs in over 40*
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
[town square in a thunderstorm]
Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.
His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrellaGalileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*
Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.