@beefman138

My Wife wears some very revealing shirts.

Today’s shirt says ‘Nick’s ATM code is 1234’ on it.

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@jctwritesstuff

[First date]

Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*

@SaltyCorpse

I had to breathe while my cat was sitting on my lap and now she’s disgusted with me.

@tiemoose

FRODO: what is it?

SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been

FRODO: *smiles* come on Sam

[literally one step later]

SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been

FRODO: wait no

@Dadsbustednuts

I caught my employee sleeping on my office couch today. I didn’t know if I should fire him, or tell him what I did on it last night.

@ComicalFoxer

Humans are 60% water.

Water is 60% sharks.

Humans are 24% sharks.

@robfee

When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.

@TheToddWilliams

KID: Dad?

DAD: Yes, son

KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?

DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-

KID: Never mind

@angibangie

4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.

@LaziestCanine

Murderer: IM GOING TO STRANGLE YOU
Me: wow your hands are so soft
Murderer: omg really
Me: [caresses his hands] what moisturizer do you use