{phone call}
MRS. TURTLE: Hello?
MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours
MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close
MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away
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him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
this post was so formative to me
For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:
5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!
Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.
In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.
When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.
me: [sets to bed time reminders on my Fitbit to be responsible]
Later that night
Fitbit: time for bed
me: DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
#ThisMakesMeLaugh
Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.
I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.
GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]
If You Take a Mom to Target:
If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.
Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.
👇
Me accidentally flirting: Cute, sounds sincere, somehow gives the illusion of confidence.
VS
Me intentionally flirting: “WANT TO HUG? YOUR FACE GOOD. VERY EVEN”
ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips
“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?
Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?
Me: oh.
Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?
Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.
We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.