I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
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Daylight Saving Time is increasingly hard to notice when my digital are devices are like, “What? Nothing happened. We know what time it is.”
And my stove is left blinking and screaming, “IT HAPPENED! TIME SHIFTED UNNATURALLY! THEY’RE ALL LYING! ONLY I KNOW! ONLY I REMEMBER!”
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
those birds must be on payroll
Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism
me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs
boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right
I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise
secret recipe
They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
Both ‘Horrid’ and ‘Crummy’ are underrated descriptions. Teach your children Victorian adjectives and be eternally amused.
Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.
Children: Wait what?
Me: What?
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful
[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit
Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree
Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?
I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
Lao Tzu:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single stepLao Tzu [after having kids]:
It now takes a thousand steps before I even start a journey, godDAMMIT
Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:
I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?
[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassingMe: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names
Wife: It’s Amy
Me: Yes I know that now, Amy
When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.
I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.
*sells my soul*
Devil: I want a refund