My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:
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Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt
Him: It’s like people are going feral.
Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
*straightens shoulders*
*lifts chin*It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.
Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*
*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can
My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!
Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!
Today I looked in the mirror and didn’t like who was looking back at me.
It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?
I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.
*goes to bed at 5pm*
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.
Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said ‘Mum, the bird witches are calling me’ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
Monday again. I just knew this would happen
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
Sometimes when I’m driving I’m overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I’m Kris & I’ll be your Uber driver.
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
[restaurant]
ME: Do you have updog?
WAITER: [sighs] No sir
M: Ok, is this gluten free?
W: No you have to pay for it
M: Damn you’re good
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.
[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out
Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today