Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
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How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
I don’t have an angel and a devil on my shoulders.
It’s just two devils fighting over who’s gonna get me in the most trouble.
[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.
Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.
[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
Countries whose names are lies:
• Chile – pretty warm
• Ivory Coast – it’s sand
• Greenland – nope
• Turkey – not a flightless bird
• United Kingdom
Juliet: *Sees Romeo’s lifeless body* Eh, it was like 4 days.
Shakespeare: *From overhead* No, you’re distraught! You also want to kill yourself.
J: But, I’m only 13!
S: C’mon you agreed to this. You’re the lead!
J: Fine! *plunges dagger into heart*
– Shakespeare Pressure
@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
4 year old: Why is this stuffed animal here? My bed’s only for unicorns
Me: It’s a triceratops. He’s like a triple unicorn. Totally cool
4 year old: He’s just a stupid dinosaur, put him away
Me: Unicorns are fake they’re bullshit
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.
Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.
Don’t be a poser bro
Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.