I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
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Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?
Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.
Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?
Boss: haha oh goodness no
I’m not high maintenance at all. All I want from a partner is the understanding that I need to feel worshipped whilst also being mostly left alone.
All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.
[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”
I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase
When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries
I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body
[school of hard knocks]
TEACHER: you’re late
ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked
TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn
It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.
My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.
As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.
I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
I saw nothing
I’m at my sexiest when I choke on rice and a piece gets lodged at the back of my nose and I’m snorting and sniffing and blowing to try and dislodge it.
Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.
Why do animals in Lion King worship Simba? Do they not know they are food?
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it