“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.
You Might Also Like
Just so funny
Don’t you just hate it when you have a day off to relax by the pool and enjoy a well-stocked pantry but then your neighbour comes home early and threatens to call the cops?
me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole
ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*
MOM: *shouting* use your words!
MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.
Friend: That’s good to know.
Me: It’s actually much worse than that.
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie
Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
Dirty cop: yeah I’m in with the scum, but I held my nose and now I’m rolling in it
Clean cop: good god Harold, go take a shower
They’re called werewolves.
me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.
The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”
This makes total sense…
ME: whose dog are you
DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL
ME: whose cat are you
CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH
Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.
Me: What is wrong with me?
Brain: You don’t listen, you’re lazy, zero etiquette, you’re broke with no ambition AND you have weird thoughts that you act out like a play.
Me: Sry, you lost me at “I don’t listen”.
I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.
Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
I asked Alexa how old Kenny Rogers was when he died. She told me he was 81, and then she said, “Would you also like to know the net worth of Kenny Rogers?” Why the hell would you ask me that, Alexa, am I in the will?
TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?
Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.