@Social_Mime

My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”

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@ozzyunc

If I were a Care Bear by tummy symbol would be the Captain Picard facepalm.

@Cpin42

A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.

@gibbet

Typos.

The Greek God of spelling errors.

@GrantTanaka

*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO

@uberpaki

My fellow Canadians,

Complain about the heat just *once* and it will get taken away from us.

Don’t be the reason we can’t have nice things

@CornOnTheGoblin

[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right

@papasuncle

Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.