Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.
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1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.
2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.
My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
i wonder what my cat is thinking about when she sits curled up at my feet staring at me for hours and sharpening her hattori hanzo sword
I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.
King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again
King (drunk af): let the horses try
My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂
Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.
I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.
The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
Vodka burrito was a success
Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.
[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!
Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.
Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
[5 min into first date]
Her: I have a pug named Piglet-
Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?
[Safari hunt]
(Ok don’t tell them I’m an elephant)
*Adjusts hat and shades*
“Elephant?. Yes that way.”
*Points with trunk*
Body: I’m sooooooo tired
Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES
It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk