My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.
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Dracula’s wife: You’ve got a little smudge on your chin.
Dracula: Vhere? Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a little to the left.
Dracula: Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a bit to the right. You know what? Just go look in the mi..
Dracula: LOOK INTO WHAT, MARTHA??
My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation
[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips
I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.
Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.
Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:
“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”
*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
cats when you pet them too long:
*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”*emotional* yes?
*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*
You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.
I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.
serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death
me: so you’re gonna let me live
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.