[on the phone]
Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem
My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.
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him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.
me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.
NETFLIX: Skip intro?
NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.
ME: Should…should I not skip it?
NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.
ME: Okay, skip intro.
NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.
Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
You ran a half-marathon? Wow! Half congratulations!
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
My neighbor bought a Corolla, then one appeared in my other neighbor’s driveway.
I’m really starting to worry about this virus…
Every time Nicki Minaj tells someone their voice isn’t good enough on Idols, someone is crushed to death by the weight of the irony.