@RodLacroix

My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.

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@parishiltonsdad

every morning I ask the dog “the usual?” before pouring his food into his bowl & neither of us thinks it’s funny but that’s showbiz folks

@mommajessiec

Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.

@aveuaskew

Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.

@Spaced_Cowboy00

If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.

@tastefactory

I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*

@FattMernandez

I’m posing nude for an art class. No one asked me to. I think they’re making ceramic bowls.