every morning I ask the dog “the usual?” before pouring his food into his bowl & neither of us thinks it’s funny but that’s showbiz folks
My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.
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Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.
Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
*mops up wine with cat*
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*
i wish i lost weight as fast as i lose motivation
I’m posing nude for an art class. No one asked me to. I think they’re making ceramic bowls.