@RodLacroix

My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.

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@johnmoe

The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.

@ElleOhHell

Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh

@ShortSleeveSuit

Friend: Can you give me a ride?

Me: I’ll give your MOM a ride!

[Later]

Me: So Mrs. Tromlhorn, anywhere else besides the dentist?

@ShortSleeveSuit

[first day working as a librarian]

ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh

HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying

@Parkerlawyer

Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”

Me, “lol do you have a pen?”

@Popehat

Partner: It’s raining

Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything

@HenpeckedHal

The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.

@tulobh

1977: stayin’ alive

2020: stayin’ alive