My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.

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The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.


Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh


Friend: Can you give me a ride?

Me: I’ll give your MOM a ride!


Me: So Mrs. Tromlhorn, anywhere else besides the dentist?


[first day working as a librarian]

ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh

HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying


Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”

Me, “lol do you have a pen?”


Partner: It’s raining

Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything


The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.


1977: stayin’ alive

2020: stayin’ alive