My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.
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Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”
What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
Just overheard someone describe their hike as “it was like mountain climbing, but flat”
USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.
You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.
Anyway, I lost an eye today.
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
haha same
no!! no!!!!!!
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
I know I’m not great at math, but I just can’t figure out how to 28 packs of fruit snacks are gone in 2.5 days when the kids say they “barely ate any.”
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.
Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.
I am patiently waiting for your email
Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*
You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand orderI knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?