@RodLacroix

My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.

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@Lisacossey1

Did the dinosaurs on the Flintstones know that they could eat the people instead of working for them?

@shanethevein

The doctor asked if I was sexual active.

I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.

@Average_Dad1

Just saw a one star review for a restaurant and all it said was “never been there.” Thanks William, super helpful.

@Contwixt

I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.

@JasonLastname

Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow

@Cpin42

Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.

@copymama

My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.

@Social_Mime

An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.

@Cpin42

Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.

@ohen39

Cop: Sir, don’t lock your kid in there, it’s very hot.
Me [closing car door]: It’s okay *leans in* it’s not my kid.