My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.
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Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
me: I need to get this framed
optometrist: just say you need glasses
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall
Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*
I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.
At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.
Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.
Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF
Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]
Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME
Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!
ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory
ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private
Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.
Me : Sorry Boss, I’m late as I had to drop my girlfriend at her college.
Boss : If you are late again you are fired.
Me : Fine, YOU can drop your daughter at college from tomorrow.
I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS