my wife’s divorce lawyer: why don’t we just get them to arm wrestle?
me whispering to my lawyer: do something
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I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.
* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.
Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
BOSS: I’m firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?
Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.
Him: You hit me three times!
me, minding my own business as a vegan:
someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe
i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
Me: “Can you go back four slides?”
Bride: “To the wedding dress?”
Me: “No, the cheese plate.”
Me: Wipes tears.
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer
I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”
God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.
If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.
Ugliness is universal.
Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?
There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.