My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
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I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo
*orders large pizza*
*opens box*
“Let’s do this…wait”
“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.
kid: *sniffle*
me: need a tissue?
kid: no
kid: *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle*
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
I’ve eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I don’t wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, I’m going to be pissed
Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.
When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.
selfie game
Me: Don’t eat that jalapeno.
1-year-old: *eats it*
*screams in pain*
Me: At least you learned your lesson.
1: *eats another one*
Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.
I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so
Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*“how’s everything tasting folks”
Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list
Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.
Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.
Not now. I’m deglazing.
About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”
“Omg. Where is he now???”
“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
i’m still crying at this
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.
my friend accidentally liked someone’s very old photo on instagram when she was doing a deep scroll, panicked, n immediately CHANGED HER NAME AND PHOTO ON INSTAGRAM LIKE ASSUMED AN ENTIRELY NEW IDENTITY N GAVE HERSELF A NAME LIKE FRANK B. JONES JUST SO THE PERSON WOULDN’T NOTICE