My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me
You Might Also Like
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.
[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”
My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection
Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control
M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism
I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh
Age 8: Flinging myself off the swings at high speed onto a concrete floor, bouncing up instantly and laughing before bounding away like a gazelle.
Age 48: Raising my eyebrows in a slightly more robust way than usual and fracturing my skull.
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]
I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.
Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.
Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”
Before crowbars crows drank alone
It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.
Choose your fighter
Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
*through a mouthful of Nutella*
Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.
whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller
I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.