ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?
My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me
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*My 9YO wants you to RT*
Broccoli and carrot are driving down the street and get a flat tire.
Broccoli: We’ll have to use asparagus.
Me: Have you had a shower, and brushed your teeth?
Son: Yes of course
Me: It doesn’t look like it
Son: oh you mean this week?
When my wife wanted to have a second child – her exact words were “it’s just rinse and repeat”.
To this day that’s still the funniest joke she’s ever told.
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”
Someone on my FB posted a snap that said “I’m boared”
And I’m just like…….
You never know how many people are out jogging early in the morning till you back out of your driveway with frost covered windows.
College guy: How do you like it?
Me: Salty…of course
*slaps down $20
CG: We’ll take two pretzels with salt
~Get outta the gutter pervs
My 2 yo is currently having the biggest tantrum I’ve ever seen! He’s mad I will not let him open & eat the box of candy* he found.