“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”
my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
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It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
Just lost a burping contest to my son and I’m officially disgusted with myself. And judging by the looks of it, so is everyone else in this HomeGoods
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
Still wake up in a cold sweat thinking about my love note that was passed to the wrong boy in kindergarten.
SPIDER-MAN: hold it right there, Chameleon
CHAMELEON: how’d u know it was me??
SM: ur disguised as Peter Parker
SM: *starts sweating*
“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
[under breath] “damn this guys good”
WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…
PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?
W: it’s a burrito
P: holy shit
One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.