my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me

You Might Also Like


“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”


It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale


Just lost a burping contest to my son and I’m officially disgusted with myself. And judging by the looks of it, so is everyone else in this HomeGoods


Still wake up in a cold sweat thinking about my love note that was passed to the wrong boy in kindergarten.


SPIDER-MAN: hold it right there, Chameleon
CHAMELEON: how’d u know it was me??
SM: ur disguised as Peter Parker
C: so?
SM: *starts sweating*


“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”


[pitching script]

WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…

PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?

W: it’s a burrito

P: holy shit


One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”


England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.