my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
You Might Also Like
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*
Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]
[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?
As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant
He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?
ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook
84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
Woke up against my better judgment again
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
[restaurant]
ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it’s grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite
I’m not positive,
but I think when you say you’re “over” something,
YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
I don’t make the rules sorry
i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword
My daughter picked up my husbands kettleball and tried swinging it and ended up knocking a hole in the wall. She looks over at me and says, “Is that okay?”
I’m like sure, we always wanted a hole in the wall so go on with ya bad self!
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.
November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.