@iwearaonesie

my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me

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@TomItUp

“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”

@dvidsilva

It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale

@DaddyJew

Just lost a burping contest to my son and I’m officially disgusted with myself. And judging by the looks of it, so is everyone else in this HomeGoods

@junejuly12

Still wake up in a cold sweat thinking about my love note that was passed to the wrong boy in kindergarten.

@_ElvishPresley_

SPIDER-MAN: hold it right there, Chameleon
CHAMELEON: how’d u know it was me??
SM: ur disguised as Peter Parker
C: so?
SM: *starts sweating*

@Timmsmiff

“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”

@BlindChow

[pitching script]

WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…

PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?

W: it’s a burrito

P: holy shit

@JustinMcElroy

One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”

@tylerschmall

England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.