My wife’s idea of oral sex is to sit down and talk me out of it.

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Me: Well, he responded to a text by calling and left me a voicemail.

[jurors gasp]

[Lawyer throws up]


Boss – can you pass a piss test?

Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?


If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”


I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”


They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.

Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.


when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good


[reading dinosaur book]

8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl

ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus

8: how did you ever get laid?


“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”


[entering the office]

Coworker: How are you?

Me: I’ve got a case of diarrhea.

Coworker: Should you get to the bathroom?

Me: No, I just need to find somewhere to put it down.