I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.
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I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.
Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.
Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.
THERAPIST: Anyways—
ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”
THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends
What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s
Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.
*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.
911: What’s your emergency?
“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”
911: Are you flirting?
“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……
I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.
I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape
Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.
People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.