Lawyer: TELL ME WHY YOU STABBED HIM
Me: Well, he responded to a text by calling and left me a voicemail.
[Lawyer throws up]
My wife’s idea of oral sex is to sit down and talk me out of it.
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Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.
Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
[reading dinosaur book]
8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl
ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus
8: how did you ever get laid?
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
[entering the office]
Coworker: How are you?
Me: I’ve got a case of diarrhea.
Coworker: Should you get to the bathroom?
Me: No, I just need to find somewhere to put it down.