My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
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For anyone who needs this today
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
“You hear from my lawyer?”
“He says he’s working on it, Stan.”
“I’m really losing it, Johnny.”
“Just be patient. You need anything?”
“Acorns, they’re like currency in here.”
Husband: Should we hit the gym today?
Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?
I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputyThings we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and RollThings we will do
-Survive
-Rock YouThings we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you
[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”
Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”
[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
GOP in 2008: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2012: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2016: Ok Hitler actually had some cool ideas
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?
*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*
ME: totes
How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat