My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
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14: I don’t have a signal.
Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-
14: It’s back.
Me: Good talk.
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”
First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
[high school reunion]
Amanda: wow, you haven’t changed a bit
me: [covered in acne and wearing faded Pokemon shirt]: yeah I know
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
Dolly Parton wrote “Jolene” and “I Will Always Love You” on the same day and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines
When I awoke this morning my husband lovingly walked toward me, bent down, kissed the dog on the forehead and whispered, “I won’t be long” then left in case you want to know what a rockin’ hot marriage is like
I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.
What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?
Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.
I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.
When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
Bro what is this
Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.
~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.
5: Daddy, can I help?
Me: No, sorry. This is a tough job
5: [robot voice] I. am. a. ro-bot.
I. will. com-plete. the. work. of. 10. men.Me: [handing over tools]
I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.
The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.
After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom
Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt
[IT guy on phone]
May I take control of your computer?
Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*
Err… sure.
3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.
Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.
Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.