Once upon a time there was a lot of food in my house and I ate it all.
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
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I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.
Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.
PRO TIP: If you hold out your arms like Frankenstein when walking in a leg brace, people let you cut in line at Starbucks.
Cop: Second time this week
Me: I thought I could be brave
C: Yeah I know, this slide is pretty high for you, now just take my hand
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no