@Home_Halfway

My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.

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@hunbothered

Once upon a time there was a lot of food in my house and I ate it all.

The End

@BoomBoomBetty

I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.

Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.

@bourgeoisalien

PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-

TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now

@LostFelicia

Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.

@callie_cakes

PRO TIP: If you hold out your arms like Frankenstein when walking in a leg brace, people let you cut in line at Starbucks.

@ThaJawn

Cop: Second time this week

Me: I thought I could be brave

C: Yeah I know, this slide is pretty high for you, now just take my hand

M: ok

@Shade510

A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.

@iwearaonesie

wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no