Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be

I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.

My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint

A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does

A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.

Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.

[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!

Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”

WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.

i finally quit drinking for good

now i drink for evil

*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”

Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?

Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.

[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]

NO. DEAR GOD, NO!

Brunch server: “We need you to leave now.”

My wife: “Um, excuse me…hiccup…you said these mimosa were bottomless.”

It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁

Nasa is launching a satellite to say sorry to the aliens.

They’re calling it the Apollo G.

ME: bartender. another.
BARTENDER: but you just-
ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER
[bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]

*on hold for over an hour

That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.

Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No

Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.

I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.

[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?

Some early signs you’re growing up:

1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere

Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.

Shoutout to the woman who yelled in anger as Wonka began “this stupid thing is a musical?!”

[Editor’s note: the woman was my mother-in-law. I was sitting with her. This was a full theater.]

God: ok u can make one human that’s it

Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald

If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.

[family meeting]

Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong

Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?

Wife: Nah, we can start

I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.

When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.