Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
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One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse
Age is just a number until your 10yrs younger husband says “your hair today makes you look like Uncle Jesse’s girlfriend” and you think he meant from Dukes of Hazzard but he meant Full House and needless to say he’s now your ex-husband
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.
Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
4: can I have a snack?
Me: it’s almost time for dinner.
4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.
Therapist: why can’t you introduce your two groups of friends to each other?
Me: [told one group my name was the space cowboy and the other it was the gangster of love] I just can’t ok
*Arrives at work 2 hrs late
Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior
Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50
How to pick up a girl in a club:
1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
[dog training]
Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…
Dog: *sits there*
Me: What’s wrong, boy?
Dog: *hands me Purell*
broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”
woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”
saying “eat the rich”
-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibalsaying “ok boomer”
-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
Turkeys are crazy.
They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.Must be a safety in numbers thing.