Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!
Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good
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Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
Because you know I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble. I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble.
“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands
cop: do you know who the murderer is?
detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead
cop: [obviously disappointed] oh
detective quasimodo: what?
cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**
Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?
HER: OMG Thats not going to fit
HIM: Just relax. I’ll go slow
HER: If you’re sure…
HIM: [severely damages surrounding cars while parking]
A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.
if I ever look at my phone in the middle of a conversation with you, I’m not reading a text, I’m just looking up the definition of a word I just used a bit too confidently
Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:
you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers
Battery falling down a hole
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!
You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
8-year-old: Can I have a turn with the pressure washer?
Me: Fine. But you can’t spray your sisters.
8: Never mind.
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]
Me: wait—
Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]
Me: wtf
Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE