My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
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My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”
I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
I feel like one of these would kill a European
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.
I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.
[planning heist]
leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?
me: that’s when I take my break too tho
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Engineer: quick open up the coal gate, we need to vent the burner!
Me: *opens toothpaste* how is this supposed to help?
Engineer: The door on the coal burner you stupid fu-
[train explodes]
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?
Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow
Him: (opens mouth to speak)
Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*
Huge, if true.
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume