@WilliamAder

My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.

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@lemmywinkler

My 13 year old daughter just lit a cigarette at the kitchen table. I’ve never been more furious! And in front of her kids too!

@huntigula

[snowman rings doorbell]
Pardon me, but I overheard someone say something about a “snow blower” and was wondering where I might find one.

@IvoryGazelle

Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea

@Sophie2078

Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…

@ObsKenobs

Ghost Obi-Wan: You will go to the Dagobah system

Luke: Dagobah system?

Ghost Obi-Wan: There you will learn from Yoda

Ghost Obi-Wan: mostly about doing handstands

Ghost Obi-Wan: he’s really big on handstands honestly it’s like 96% handstands

@heckyessica

If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.

@ProBirdRights

I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.

@BoogTweets

*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”

@sock_holliday

Do you ever think Mario gets home after a long day and his wife is dressed in lingerie and all ‘hey handsome’ and he’s like ‘I had such a long day, if i have to jump down into one more tunnel I will lose it”

@linkindrinkin

me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*

hot dog demon: not you again