My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
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me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
Freaky Friday 2:
The mom and daughter switch bodies again
The mom doesn’t go back
She keeps stealing children’s bodies
She lives forever
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.
Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did
Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”
That was last night and I still haven’t recovered
Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
“You’re asking too much! I have a LIFE, you know!” I scream at this recipe that requires several of the ingredients to be sifted in a separate bowl before adding to the main mixture.
You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪
Took the kids to the park so wifey could get a break.
5, loudly, as soon as he steps inside: Hmmmm, it’s still a mess in here!
Me: *locking him inside and walking away* You’re on your own now buddy!
Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?
Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.