@WilliamAder

My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.

My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.

- @WilliamAder

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Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!

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ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary

@RichBeingRich

My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.

@13spencer

One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.

@Home_Halfway

I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.

@Scott_A_Gilmore

People named Thomas, your nickname isn’t “Thom” it’s Tom. “Thom” thounds sthupid and prethenthiuos.

@vineyille

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Neil deGrasse Tyson: You mean on the cosmic calendar?
“No Neil, not on the goddamn cosmic calendar.”

@9to5Life

I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.

Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.