My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
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Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Me: I’m sitting down to read and have my coffee. Don’t come in here unless it’s an emergency. I want 15 minutes.
[12 seconds later]
“MOOOMMMM! HE’S BUILDING A FORCE FIELD AROUND ME”
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
[starship battle]
CAPTAIN: We’re outgunned! Our only hope is to hide in that nebulaENSIGN WHOSE JOB IS CLEANING NEBULA GUNK OFF THE HULL: what if instead we made peace with our inevitable deaths?
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: (who is terrified of becoming a vampire) Hopefully in a mirror
*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”
[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha
PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]
ME: Oh no shit shit shit
Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”
The me who had a cocktail and then signed up to bake 200 holiday cookies, chaperone the field trip, and decorate the classroom door, and the me who has to actually do all that this week are two very different people.
Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.
I like to think I’m smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground
Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.
Im not saying your cat doesnt care about you…
Im saying that if
Lassie was a cat,
Timmy would still be in that well…
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.
I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.
A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”
Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.