Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.
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Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
Interviewed a Canadian.
She has a Canadian accent & boobs.
She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.
She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.
[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
I did my first abdominal exercise since my 4 abdominal surgeries and I can say with absolute certainty that my abs are cake.
ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.
The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????
‘THINGS WE DIDN’T DO:
•Start the fire
•Shoot the deputyTHINGS WE DID DO:
•Built this city
•Shot the sheriffTHINGS WE WANT TO DO:
•Break free
•Hold your handTHINGS WE WILL DO:
•Rock you
•Survive
•Anything for loveTHINGS WE WON’T DO:
•That’
Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur