I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.
Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?
Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
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I’LL TAKE TEN OF YOUR FINEST MIDGETS! THEY MUST BE CLEVER CONVERSATIONALISTS & KNOW HOW TO PARTY.
“…Ma’am, this is a preschool…”
You’d think that atoms bonding with other atoms would mean they’re being friendly, but really they steal each other’s electrons.
ME: Jesus Christ, this is the slowest train I’ve ever travelled on
BRIDE: Someone please get this prick off my dress
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
In my dog’s mind he’s saving the world, one tree at a time.
This woman took her cats to a department store to visit Santa and as you can see it went quite well
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
Homeless man: Change please
Me: sorry dude I don’t have any money on me
Homeless man: No, change…That outfit is hideous
Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I use beer. I call this the Heineken maneuver