@RunOldMan

My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.

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@leechee420

I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.

Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?

Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.

@hstweetheart

I’LL TAKE TEN OF YOUR FINEST MIDGETS! THEY MUST BE CLEVER CONVERSATIONALISTS & KNOW HOW TO PARTY.

“…Ma’am, this is a preschool…”

@WisdomGifs

You’d think that atoms bonding with other atoms would mean they’re being friendly, but really they steal each other’s electrons.

How ionic.

@ArfMeasures

ME: Jesus Christ, this is the slowest train I’ve ever travelled on

BRIDE: Someone please get this prick off my dress

@callmeEvian

Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.

@jake_lach

In my dog’s mind he’s saving the world, one tree at a time.

@AlsBoy

This woman took her cats to a department store to visit Santa and as you can see it went quite well

@LaziestCanine

Homeless man: Change please
Me: sorry dude I don’t have any money on me
Homeless man: No, change…That outfit is hideous

@nikkithecanuck

Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I use beer. I call this the Heineken maneuver